Shuukyoku no Tsuzuki

Part1 (0:00-3:30):

Asuka: Whaaaaaat!? They're extending our series run due to unexpected popularity!?

Misato: Yup.

Asuka: Nobody told me about this!

Ritsuko: We just did.

Touji: We get called together for the first time in a while and this is the

news we're treated to.

Kensuke: I was enjoying that long vacation after the series ended.

Fuyutsuki: Sadly our idle days are over.

Gendou: Indeed. Even the scheduling of our first new episodes as been

finished.

Maya: They've already gone that far?

Makoto: To think that they spent so much time giving us the green light to

start the series.

Kaji: It's a capitalist world.

Asuka: But why do we have to put up with decisions made by some higher-ups for profit!?

Misato: Economics is the foundation of society and our popularity is what puts our food on our tables!

Rei: It was said a long time ago: "Your work and your popularity- never take them for granted."

Ritsuko: Pushing your talents is a way to keep the worst at bay.

Misato: In this world where you can't count on tomorrow, you should be

thankful that we even have a steady job.

Asuka: Well, that's true. This is better than lying in a hospital bed. Roger. Fine. Lets do it.

Rei: What's the situation?

Misato: Actually, we're really pressed for time.

Ritsuko: The script was actually due today, and recording the voices has to be finished by tonight.

All: (Exasperated panic)

Misato: So basically we need our ideas set by this evening.

Asuka: That's impossible!!

Misato: We don't have a choice! That's what Mr. Ohtsuki from King Records wants (and I OK'dit...) Just think of this as the fate of a popular show.

Ritsuko: There's no use complaining about something that's been set in

stone. The healthiest thing to do now is look at the situation and accept it.

Asuka: Oh, but, c'mon!

Misato: No c'mons, what are you going to do, go on strike?

Ritsuko: The best thing to do now is to figure out how to overcome this

crisis.

Maya: We can all work together to solve the problem!

Asuka: (Under her breath) Oh, please.

Touji: I guess we should've easily seen this comming.

Maya: Wow, kids these days are cynical.

Kensuke: I guess now what's left to do is the systematic identification of

problem points, their analysis and evaluation, followed by drawing out an

appropriate conclusion about the solution thereof.

Maya: Wow, kids these days have matured!

Kensuke: Anyways, if we wish the recovery, maintenance, then growth of our popularity, the first thing begging consideration is the return of you-know-who to the show.

Misato: Oh, don't worry, I've already called him. (footsteps of you-know-who)

Kaoru: I'm Kaoru Nagisa. We meet again.

Asuka: Well hello, homo-boy.

Kaoru: I really wish you wouldn't make statements when you lack evidence for them. Oh, Sorry, I suppose the only things you lack are restraint and brains.

Asuka: Oh, shut up!

Touji: She's just pissed 'cuz she can't deny it.

Asuka: Oh, what! As if YOU don't lack brains!?

Touji: Screw you! Have you noticed that you're also lacking breasts!?

Kaoru: Too bad you couldn't say the same for her gut.

Asuka: You guys just lack any sense of warmth and empathy!

(Background erupts in everybody giving their own stupid "lack" witticisms.)

Kensuke: You all lack supportiveness and teamwork.

Maya: We as a team lack of time and funds.

Misato: (Frustrated grunt) And while we all play this stupid "lack" fight,

our deadlines are drawing closer second by second.

Makoto: This is what they call a "daipinchi" (big pinch) isn't it?

Shigeru: But restarting a series in such short notice would be a legendary

feat. I'd say it's impossible.

Misato: Exactly. So I was thinking of just changing the story direction

completely.

Ritsuko: It's been decided that the ideas for the story

will now be drawn from a wider base than just the writers.

Touji: So that's why we're really here.

Misato: Yup. I'm expecting fresh suggestions from you all.

Makoto: Well then the best new thing to push is obvious!

Fuyutsuki: Yes. Sex appeal.

Gendou: Absolutely. Mark it as our primary battle plan.

Part 2 (3:30-5:27):

Misato: In other words, I'll have you two debut all over again as the show's "plug-chicks!"

Asuka: Plugchicks!?

Ritsuko: Here are the newly designed plugsuits.

Asuka: What the heck is this!? It'll show my panties completely!

Maya: These suits are definitely a blow to the head.

Ritsuko: You mean the crotch? They'll be more appreciated by our audience this way.

Misato: Oh they're fine! You guys are young!

(Sound of plugsuits shrinking)

Asuka: On top of that, you can see where the breast nubbins are, even what color they are!

Ritsuko: You mean the nipples? You'll be more appreciated by our audience this way.

Misato: Oh they're fine! You guys are young!

Asuka: I don't care how young I am; a line has been crossed here.

Misato: Rei doesn't seem to have a problem.

Asuka: Oh, c'mon First, say something. You're a chaste princess, aren't you?

Rei: I don't mind. It comes with the job.

Asuka: You never change. You've always lacked lines and taste.

Rei: It doesn't matter. don't have anything.

Asuka: Oh, come on! Just look at yourself! If you tweaked the suit

a little they'd even see you-know-where, (Does something) see!?

(Reaction from male cast members)

Kaoru: Shinji, what's wrong? You're bleeding from the nose.

(Blood drops hit floor)

Touji: Well, you don't see you-know-what every day.

Kensuke: I don't blame him.

Asuka: On top of that, how's this!?

(Suit shrinks even more. More male reactions.)

Ritsuko: Oh, hello Commander Ikari.

Fuyutsuki: What's wrong, Ikari? You're bleeding from the nose.

(Blood drops hit floor)

Gendou: No, it's nothing.

Misato: Well, ah, I guess this might be stretching some morals.

Asuka: I told you. If this were TV there'd be digital blurring on us.

Rei: I don't mind. It comes with the job.

Asuka: Of course the teachers pet'll do anything you guys want her to.

Part 3 (5:27-7:08):

Misato: Ok, we'll get back to the sex appeal issue. Let's move on to other

problems.

Asuka: Yes teacher! I know a problem!

Misato: Yes, Asuka?

Asuka: The main problem with our show is the main character I tell you.

Ritsuko: Shinji Ikari?

Asuka: Yes! Letting this brooding kid take on the role of main character was a fundamental mistake. I mean he hasn't said a word since we started working. Can you really call this our main character?

Shinji: Oh... sorry.

Asuka: What are you, stupid!? That's your first line!?

He shows no signs of regret, and there's no way to change him.

He still thinks that the problem'll go away if he apologizes.

Misato: Hmm.

Ritsuko: She has a point.

Fuyutsuki: Mm. So we change the main character.

Gendou: Yes. I've no qualms with that.

Shinji: What? Wait!

Asuka: Moving on from Stupid Shinji, next there's this girl.

Ritsuko: Rei Ayanami?

Asuka: Yup. On top of the main character we've got gloominess personified. We've got to do something about Puppet Girl.

Fuyutsuki: But she's always number one in the popularity polls.

Gendou: I've no qualms with her.

Asuka: And that's what I can't figure out! She has few appearances and fewer lines. She has the easy job of just standing in the corner of the frame and she gets all the votes. She's like a pull-string doll, she goes (imitating Rei's voice)
"Fine, do so" or "Oh, that's nice" or "Bye" AND THAT'S ALL SHE EVER SAYS!!

Shinji: Asuka, that's all you ever say these days.

Asuka: Will you shut up?

Ritsuko: But again, she has a point.

Misato: Hmmm, if our posterchild started saying some lines,

maybe she'd become even more popular.

Fuyutsuki: It's worth a try.

Gendou: Yes.

Ritsuko: But under the circumstances we can't afford such a high risk

change.

Misato: Lets just go for the fail-safe cliche, the high school love comedy.

Part 4 (7:08-8:12):

(School bell chimes)

Asuka (In a mock gangster (yakuza) voice and dialect): Are you the transfer student, Ayanami Rei?

Rei: Yes. Probably the third.

Asuka: To pass before I, Asuka-sama, the school bully, without a word or

greeting, you are a brave one.

Rei: Sure. I don't know.

Asuka: Should I throw a hard one into you as punishment...?

Rei: Do so.

Asuka: Couldn't you just talk more? You're pissing me off!

Rei: I may talk?

Asuka: If you can, go ahead.

Rei: (Deep breath) I've been listening all this time with you going off and

carrying on and what am I supposed to say now? Here you are all jealous just because you get half my votes in the (Evangelion character) popularity polls, I
mean really if all you have is youth and

energy you'll be limited in whatever you do.

(Maya cuts in here with the lines shown below)

Maya: Um... this doesn't really come off as a love comedy... more like a

schoolyard gang drama.

Rei: I'll teach you that cute looks won't get you everywhere...

with some physical education-(slapping Asuka) slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap...

Misato: You don't say.

Ritsuko: But the problem isn't that.

Fuyutsuki: -This isn't good.-

Gendou: Mm. It's not the plot that needs changing. That isn't my Rei out

there.

Rei: ...slap slap slap. ... "Anta-baka" "Anta-baka." You're the baka. Hm.

...Ahh, much better.

Part 5 (8:12-9:29):

Misato: So we're keeping Rei as she is.

Ritsuko: But we are in a monotone and dangerous slump. Isn't there some radical new idea that can break the pattern?

Asuka: Here here! I've got just such a super awesome good idea!

Misato: What is it, Asuka?

Asuka: A sentai show!

All: A sentai show!?

Asuka: Yes! It already has a 40 year history, with a proud heritage in

special effects. Doing a sentai show would be the best way to go!

Shinji: But nowadays only children and otaku watch them.

Asuka: What are you, stupid? That's what I'm going after.

In addition to the big grownups we'll have the little kiddies

and it'd be a textbook example of killing two birds with one stone! Our

popularity would double!

Misato: Huh!

Ritsuko: She has a point.

Asuka: Luckily we do have five pilots, so everything's already set.

Shinji: Um, who's going to be the main character?

Asuka: Well of course the leader has to be the one wearing red, the color of justice.

Kaoru: It can't be me?

Asuka: What are you talking about? It's always been that the red one's the

leader; it's a law!

Touji: She suggested the sentai idea just so she could be the leader.

Asuka: God, you're nitpicky for a boy. There's no reason to wait; let's do

it.

Part 6 (9:29-11:40):

(EVACORP Note: A parody of the formulaic sentai genre,

here there's always 5 people in different colored nylon suits battling

aliens, e.g. Power Rangers)

An energetic Asuka and mumbling Rei, Shinji, Touji and Kaoru:

Shinsentai (as opposed to "shinseiki") Evangelion!

(cheesy explosions and Angel's grumblings)

Misato: A new angel has arrived! All members, scramble!

Asuka: Roger! Everyone! Let's go!

Rei, Shinji, Touji, and Kaoru (unmotivated and uncoordinated): Roger.

(More cheesy angel grumblings)

Asuka: Halt! Her suit color is the crimson of Justice! Representing effort

and hardiness, Second Red!

Asuka: Her suit color is as blank as her brain, mute and stagnant, First White!

Rei: I don't mind. She comes with the job.

Asuka: His suit color is the blue of depression! A hard-core baka, the

antisocial Third Blue!

Shinji: Can't run away.

Asuka: His suit color is the green of his Kansai accent A hot-headed epicure, Fourth Green!

Touji: Can I get down now?

Asuka: His suit color is the black of passive-aggressiveness, narcissistic

to the core, Fifth Black!

Kaoru: Songs are nice.

Asuka: Cutting a path through this severe era, we're Shinsentai Evangelion!

...

Ha! Prog Blade! (yet more cheesy sounds of battle) Palette Blaster! (Boom, smash)

Misato: Oh no, Asuka's hogging the show.

Ritsuko: How are the results of the research?

Makoto: Not good. The ratings haven't budged an inch.

Maya: No complaint phonecalls.

Shigeru: The fax is still silent.

Misato: In other words, nobody's watching.

Fuyutsuki: We'll have to do a re-take.

Gendou: Mm.

Part 7 (11:40-13:24):

Misato: I guess this means that people just aren't looking for another

sentai show these days.

Ritsuko: I think we went wrong when we adopted an institution without making any changes of our own. We've learned our lesson.

Asuka: (mumbling) Oh, what's wrong with it, as long as some people like it?

Misato: So our attempt at radical change failed, but if we don't change

something we're finished.

Ritsuko: If we don't change something we'll just thin out and die away like

a candle flame.

Shinji: Um...what about taking in our viewers opinions and using

them...for...um, ideas...?

Kaoru: A fabulous idea. Very good, Shinji.

Maya: So we'll be walking step by step with the trends of the times.

Asuka: But if you spend all your time listening to the viewers you'll never

make anything good.

Misato: We haven't a choice now. There's no worth to a product that doesn't sell.

Ritsuko: (Papers rustling) Misato-sansa, how about this?

Misato: Hmm? Let's see. (reading letter) "Why is it that although the Evas are giant robots, they can't transform or combine? That's boring"!?

Asuka: (Claps hands together) Of course!

Shigeru: He has...

Maya: ...a point.

Makoto: But how are we going to get them to transform all of a sudden?

Asuka: I know! First, we have them get completely creamed once.

Makoto: And then we interrupt it with a commercial or end the episode,

then introduce the change.

Ritsuko: I see, a fundamental overhaul of the mechas in the middle of the

series... also known as the "power up"...

Misato: Didn't we already change the Model Zero once?

Asuka: That was nothing! All we did was change the colors a bit!

We're talking something much bigger here.

Shinji: What's wrong with the Eva's we have now?

Asuka: You never cease to amaze me with your ultradenseness. There's nothing as untrendy as a giant robot nowadays that can't even fly.

Ritsuko: It doesn't even have enough weapons for us to be able to sell

weapon sets independently of the toy robots.

Fuyutsuki: So we'll have the Evas transform and combine, and introduce new power-up parts.

Gendou: I have no qualms.

Part 8 (13:24-15:30):

Misato: Are all three units ready? The time has come for us to try the new

transform/combine system. We're counting on you!

Asuka: Leave it to us! You better be ready, Shinji.

Shinji: Ah, yeah. Transforming.... uh, Eva...Jet. (Big transforming sounds)

Maya: Amazing! The Eva-1 transformed from Japan's number one export, a sedan, to a jumbo jet!

Asuka: CHAAAAAANGE! EVA...TRAIN! SWITCH-ONNN!!! (More big transformation sounds, along with the sound of a cross-country train)

Shigeru: Whoa, the Eva-2 changed from the symbol of modern engineering, the Tokyo Tower, to an Eagle Bullet Train!!

Rei: Change, Eva Ship. (More sounds)

Makoto: Yes! The Eva-zero changed from the epitome of maritime technology, the oil tanker Idemitsu-maru, to a general purpose warship!

Asuka: Get ready to combine!!

Rei, Shinji: Roger.

Asuka, Rei, Shinji: The three become one! Evangelion II!! (More sounds)

Shigeru: My god, the three units combined to form a giant robotic replica of Akebono, the sumo wrestler!

Asuka: On top of this, depending on the order and method of combination, it can turn into the famous make-out spot, Rainbow Bridge,

or one of the construction wonders of the world, the Kurion Dam,

or even all 53.85 kilometers of the Seikan Tunnel!!

Misato: Like a phoenix from the ashes, the Evas have been reborn as the

embodiment of every toy manufacturer's fantasy!

Asuka: Evangelion II, GO!! (sounds) Broadsword, giant slash! (Angel sounds)

Ritsuko: So, how does the market research look?

Maya: Not good.

Ritsuko: What's wrong with this?

Part 9 (15:30-16:17):

Misato: So issue here is the enemy, then.

Asuka: Of course it is! Who are we gonna fight anyway? We killed the last angel in episode 24!

Kaworu: Are you referring to me?

Asuka: Oh, you're still here? Why don't you just be a bad guy again?

Kaworu: No; to play traitor to my kind and convert to the forces of good,

joining your side as an ally, all in the name of love, such is the dramatic

role allotted to tragics like myself. Especially for beautiful tragics like myself.

Rei: Stay then.

Ritsuko: We haven't much time. Lets organize our situation.

Maya: One problem that's plagued us is that what the angels -were- was never really clear.

Fuyutsuki: They were rather mysterious and nobody really got them, did they?

Gendou: No. That would be our problem.

Misato: So our focus is to solve that somehow.

Asuka: I know! How about if we have them introduce themselves?

Part 10 (16:17-17:32):

<Ominous music>

Scary Voice: I am from Mars, one of the "BlackGod"-ian race.

Foolish humans; I shall kill you all with the Space Angels under my power!

<Cheesy sci-fi space explosions>

Asuka: See! Now the enemy's identity, goals, and organization are clear as

day!

Makoto: Clear as polished glass.

Misato: So instead of using the word "eradicate" as we've been doing,

we should've just said "kill them all," huh.

Asuka: So all we have to do is introduce an second wave of soldiers from

this guy.

Ritsuko: We keep the designs the same and just use a different color

palette.

Another Scary Voice: I am no weakling BlackGod!

I have come here from the Great Black Hole, via the White Hole express,

and I am the SpaceBlackGod!!! Using the Disc Angels under my command I shall kill you all!

<some more sci-fi sounds>

Asuka: And so our story shifts locations to outer space!

Makoto: The backgrounds will certainly be easier to draw that way.

Some animator: And instead of making the robots walk we can just drag still images of them across the camera. It'd save our production costs.

Misato: Nice, Asuka!

Fuyutsuki: Absolutely perfect.

Gendo: Absolutely.

Part 11 (17:33-end):

Ritsuko: I can think of only one other must-have ingredient for a series'

longevity...

Misato: Animals, of course. Animals! We need the mascot characters to

contribute more.

Shinji: Like maybe if Pen-Pen learns to speak Japanese.

Rei: Good idea.

Ritsuko: Alright then, lets have Pen-pen perform some lines.

Pen-Pen: And about goddamn time too! Here I am, sitting beside you all

through the whole meeting; how dare you ignore me up until just now!? The all the currents of the times are pointing to us penguins, penguins, penguins I tell you!
Just pop me on a TV screen and you'll get high school chicks from the four
corners of the earth swarming it, screaming "He's so cute!" I'll lay down
the marketing plan see, first we...

Misato: Oh, god, Asuka stop him!

Asuka: Uh, wai... Hold on there, ya little...

(sounds of struggle, Pen-Pen screams, loses ability to speak Japanese.

Standard NERV control room alarms and buzzers start going off.)

Fuyutsuki: We haven't any time left!

Misato: Lets wrap this up.

Maya: What else could we possibly add?

Hyuga: Action, of course, action left and right, brain-numbing action is

the...

Misato: As a woman I've gotta push the trendy drama series idea; It's got

trendiness, and drama; how can any adult resist?

Rei: Feeling... regret...

Asuka: NERV gets destroyed in the first new episode.

Aoba: Develop old characters and introduce new ones.

Fuyutsuki: How about a serial mystery series?

Hyuga: We'll develop a static and detailed internal universe!

Asuka: The Eva Brothers!

Touji: A story about the Naniwa Burglar!

(A Kansai folk tale. Couldn't possibly fit into Evangelion.)

Or a blood-sweat-n'-tears sports saga would be cool too.

Ritsuko: Didn't you say you liked Kansai themes, Asuka?

Asuka: (In a Kansai dialect) Don't you start grouping Kobe and Osaka

together.

Kaoru: All of these still lack a certain grace.

Asuka: I told you to shut up, homoboy!

Ritsuko: We could center the story around a single woman innkeeper.

Maya: We are set in a hot-spring area after all.

Asuka: And market the show with lots of bathing scenes?

Rei: Feeling... regret...

Aoba: The meteoric rise and tragic fall of a university hospital surgeon

with too much ambition.

Hyuga: The show needs a sweaty dose of macho!

Asuka: What it needs is song, singing, a musical! The vocalized pangs of the heart! (Proceeds to demonstrate with extemporaneous song.)

Maya: But all of these will take up far too much time and stacks of

celluloid.

Ritsuko: That kind of service to the fans will ultimately ruin us.

(A brief moment of verbal chaos as the characters continue to spout the

virtues of their ideas)

Fuyutsuki: This isn't good; we aren't approaching any conclusion.

Aoba: We might as well stop and take a vote here.

Hyuga: No; I don't think we even have time for that; especially if we mess

up the counting.

Ritsuko: We have to bring it to the studio in less than a few minutes.

Misato: We need to slice this knot with a definitive decision.

Asuka: I've got it! We'll do a "sound-only anime!"

All: "Sound-only anime"!?

Asuka: Yup. As soon as the show begins, there's a blackout. That way, the screen can be blank, we can use a black plastic sheet for the background, and we won't have to paint a single cel.

Misato: Huh! I see!

Asuka: On top of that, if we have the actors make all the sound effects and sing the background music, we can take out the whole dubbing process,

and get more salary to boot, three birds with one stone! If something's still vague, we'll spell it out in the narration.

Fuyutsuki: We haven't much choice; what the hell, we'll do that.

Gendo: Yes.

(The actors a capella a condensed version of the first episode,

complete with an angel appearing amidst the sounds of cicadas and sirens, being bombarded by the U.N, then being pounded to death by a howling Eva that appears with sung musical accompaniment. There's a kazoo in there somewhere too.)

Misato: (in character) My god, the Eva-01 beat an angel!

(Telephones ring.)

Maya: We're being flooded by complaints.

Aoba: The fax machine's not spewing any praise either.

Maya: We're being overloaded, we can't handle this input!

Hyuga: The ratings meter is lower than its ever been; in fact, the exact

reading is off the meter!

Shinji: Argh...

Ritsuko: It's shameful.

Fuyutsuki: We should induce brain stem rejection; no, let's just cut it off.

Gendo: Yes.

(Sound of being unplugged.)